Songs

Peri-Post is taken from the words that I wrote to my son during a time that I was chronically depressed and suicidal. It’s about guilt, not feeling enough and feeling trapped in the knowledge that whatever I do I will always damage him in someway.
I wish that I you would grow up
Without the pain I will cause you
I wish that you will grow old
Without the thing I’ll destroy in you.
You’re never alone in this world
But the pain without overwhelms me
My child, my love, grow old
Forget me
This could never be
The easy way out
It’s not real, it’s not real
To anyoneIt’s not real,
it’s not real,
I can’t live like this, for good
You can’t live like this
It’s not fair on you, on me
To hurt and love as much as this
Forget you and me
Fight what’s inside you
Don’t believe the things I should be
It’s too hard, I won’t be it
You’ll always be loved my child
And I hope you know you’ll deserve it
My love, grow old, stay you
Forget me
This could never be
The easy way out
It’s not real, it’s not real
To anyone
It’s not real, it’s not real
I can’t live like this, for good
You can’t live like this
It’s not fair on you, on me
To hurt and love as much as this
Cause you’re strong
And you don’t need me
And you’re loved
And you don’t need me
Without me
I’ll hurt you
With me
I’ll destroy you
This could never be
The easy way out
It’s not real, it’s not real
To anyoneI
t’s not real, it’s not real,
I can’t live like this, for good
You can’t live like this
It’s not fair on you, on me
To hurt and love as much as this

Closure depicts someone who is finally free from an abusive relationship and for the first time being aware of how abusive, intense, damaging the relationship was.
I was born when I left you
I was free from the start
But you gave me something I could live without
You were always cold on a night time
And you cut me twice with ice
but your creepy hands, a wavering man will never come near me again
Cos you shoot more me than I could miss you
And you kill me more than I would kiss you
Lala lalalala ala al a la
I was given a pass out to leave you
But you came back with more
A hall pass never really did me no good
So I took a knife out to meet
Oh what a day I did have
But play time was the last time I gave you more time then I should
Cos you shoot more me than I could miss you
And you kill me more than I would kiss you
And you cut me more than I could touch you.
Lala lalalala ala al a la
It’s always my fault
Never did never did never did I see you
All I did all I did all I did was hide from
Oh oh oh
Never did never did never did I curse you
Never did never did never did I see you
Wow ow wow
Cos you shoot more me than I could miss you
And you kill me more than I would kiss you
And you cut me more than I could have loved you.
Lala lalalala ala al a la
It’s never your fault

Swimming is the second part to Peri-Post that lyrically depicts the state that I was in when I wrote the lyrics to Peri-Post but from the perspective of my child. It’s about having a parent who’s never fully there and who you can tell deeply loves you but you can see that they always want to escape and are deeply unhappy.
I was going swimming
She was going home
And I knew that something was wrong  
She plays with your fingers 
As she says goodbye 
It hurts her to meet my eyes. 
 I held on her shoulders as she ties my shoes
And I laugh with unease in my voice.
Cos despair’s playing on her heart 
Cos despair’s playing on her heart
And I know she loves me
 But she yearns to go
And I know she’s human  
But I need her to talk to me, look at me
And hold me close
They kept her with water
 Until she spoke the truth
The secrets she held from me
Shielding her heart,
Her mind from her sleeve
So she could come back to me.

  She fell down exhausted and pushed a smile through 
And drew me in close to her heart.   
Cos despair’s playing on her heart
 Cos despair’s playing on her heart
And I know she loves me  
But she yearns to go
And I know she’s human  
But I need her to talk to me, look at me
And hold me close

Joe is about the experience of a young man who is constantly being disabled by the people around him, because of their damaging belief of how someone with his learning disability should be treated and cared for. The people closest to him and love him treat him in way that they think is protective and helpful when in reality their actions cause him harm. His response to this harm from the people who are meant to protect him, ends up with him being incarcerated due to their ignorance and inability to trust that ultimately he knows what his needs are best.
He’s train guy and he
Catches two when he wants to smile
A stop to anywhere and home
Meant to be homebound
But he goes outside and causes havoc
In the rain
Makes his mother double cry
He’s all she’s got
So they keep an eye
He’s all she’s got
So they keep an eye
Left on his own again
Once a week
Where he thinks of little men in shoes
In only shoes and only shoes
Marching with his naked friends
He shouts at his window at the passer-bys
Who see he’s on his own again
They keep an eye
As he might get out
They keep an eye
As he might get out
They climbed the stairs
As he looked for a way out
He should be there…
So they say
He’s got ten people slowing him down
He’s got ten people slowing him down
He should be great but he’s got people slowing him down
Strip his mother’s gown and they’re slowing him down
She covers him over
In a age old blanket that she calls his room
But he knows he’s made for better things
She lost her only son when he
Held her throat to the ceiling
Of their only room
The safe has gotten bigger since
They keep him in
From his mother’s eyes
They keep him in
From his mother’s eyes
They climbed the stairs
As he looked for a way out
He should be there…
So they say
He’s got ten people slowing him down
He’s got ten people slowing him down
He should be great but he’s got people slowing him down
Strip his mother’s gown and they’re slowing him down

Disney is somebody escaping an emotionally abusive relationship with a belittling and coercive partner.
There’s a sharpness to the shells we tread around you
You know it
A bitter word that really says I love you,
I hate you
Your dark cloud turns you sour
But that’s just you
We had a dream that we were perfect together
I’ll walk with you now
to the river
Your whole world runs on power
Cos you’re scared
I run through the voices
That tell me stay
They tell me I’ll be nothing
Without you again
My friends mend the bridges
That you made unsafe
And retell the old stories
That warn me
You would be hell
I know you as much is safe to
I walked and dreamed with you
A love fool’s need for desire
You must have cared once
I let the insults pass me by incase they hurt you
You’re fragile
You pretend you’ve lost you way so they will save you
We have to
Passing clouds turn you sour
But no sun’s breaking through
I run through the voices
That tell me stay
They tell me I’ll be nothing
Without you again
My friends mend the bridges
That you made unsafe
And retell the old stories
That warn me
You would be hell